“Thank you”

After months in which Margie did not say a clear phrase, I was stroking her skin in ways she always liked, when she smiled at me and clearly said, “Thank you.” No more, but how wonderful, pleasant.

Laughing

Few weeks ago realized I have not laughed much recent years, so I looked at a flick our son gave us years ago that causes lots of laughs plus I enjoy it. Since then have thought how we laughed and grinned. We would play with words of commercials. We used words or songs so they caused us to grin or laugh; for example greeting, “Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly” with a leer. Even ordinary jobs we’d find a way to get a grin. Long gone. I need to find ways to laugh or get some fun out of happenings. Look for funny flicks and humor in various events.

Nonverbal communication

This morning Margie was dozing when I walked up, greeted her usual way. She opened her eyes, then after a few minutes dozing again. Sat beside her, holding her hand, she holding mine, stroked her face gently with my fingers as I often do, her arms, hair. No reactions. When I was ready to go, started to slide my hand out of her’s, but she quickly tightened her grip very strongly. I left my hand in her’s, as if I had a choice, for several minutes before I tried again and she let me go. This is the strongest message she’s given me in months.

My essential therpist

Thruout the long, painful care-giving one of my major helps has been my therapist; how she made this ordeal possible and positive. While I was aware of many of my feelings, going through a completely new experience brought feelings I’d never before faced and needed to recognize and acknowledge. I was angry at Alzheimer’s Disease, at having to take increasing responsibilities we had so long shared, make decisions for Margie that she could have no voice in, many resentments my therapist helped me find and acknowledge, as well as discuss decisions I had to make. We discussed grief, Dr. Kubler-Ross’s studies of grief, and my changing feelings through the years. I saw her as needed. She said my interacting with adults in Third Age Education was excellent therapy. Friends were often helpful, but my therapist was essential as issues came up.

Remembering

What do I do when my Margie is asleep or dozing? The nurse said long ago wake her up and why, so I said something familiar, and her eyes opened, when she saw me she smiled a beautiful smile, as her eyes slowly closed. I stroked her face as I have for years, around and behind her ears, her eyebrows, chin, and she smiled. For a long time I traced over her face, then her arm, again and again, changing patterns. She looked so happy, so relaxed. But she did not awake or do anything; just sat passively smiling.

Give us this day!

Reflecting on how to keep my sanity and balance while my soul mate disappears, I remembered AA’s mantra “One day at a time.” That thought came several weeks ago and I keep thinking of it. It is a life saver. Margie is so different each day, and responds in so varied ways, that thinking one day at a time is freshening and enlivening. I wonder if the best teaching of Jesus was “Give us this day.” Not just daily bread but my accepting each fresh, new day.

Alertness varies

Saw Margie mid-afternoon, fearing she’d be asleep, but was in her wheelchair. Recognized me a few yards away, started smiling, later tried to say a few words but I understood only one. Wanted to hold and gently squeeze my hands. Responded to our code expressions. Very low key and quiet visit, but satisfying.

Repel boarders!

This morning Margie was unresponsive. I rolled her to the living room-day room that is large, tasteful, many easy chairs, and Margie looked around again and again with the same look as she used to look over our home we designed and had built, and asked, whose house is this? She usually welcomes my holding her hands, but today intertwined her fingers as if to repel boarders. Deeply saddening.

A hug like for a child

Margie was asleep when I saw her today, and slow to awake. No reaction until after a while I encircled her shoulder and side as I did holding our young children, and she smiled broadly! Her eyes glistened with tears. As I left I said the usual “code” and she nodded ever so slightly,

Lower key

Today no response to verbal cues or “our” wave. Only response was to my rubbing her neck and shoulders as I often did. Did she simply enjoy it as from a stranger or did she recognize me?