Two patients!

I need to remember that I am a caregiver for two people! I am a caregiver for Margie in every way that she will recognize or appreciate. But I am also a caregiver for myself. So often we hear or read of a caregiver who died before the patient being cared for. But it is more than my taking care of Margie; it is my own mental health and well-being. I must keep reminding myself to nourish my friendships, get together with friends, go out to events especially with ladies. If I am not healthy, cheerful and happy, a whole man, how can I take care of Margie?

Ask caregiver ‘How are you doing?’

A good friend asked me how Margie was doing and I told her. She then asked, “How are you doing?” With emphasis on you. Since she is a good friend and very knowledgeable I answered honestly but also briefly–lonely but keeping busy and a few other thoughts.

I think all of us when we talk with a caregiver need to do what my friend did, and ask of the caregiver, “How are you doing?”

Ambiguous feelings of loss and grief

Two days ago and yesterday Margie was alert, her eyes sometimes dancing, and she reached up with her left arm to touch my face a few times. She responded with nods and smiles to my affectionate words. I sang a few songs that she likes one day and the other played some guitar Christmas music that has playful interludes; she moved her hands and nodded her head to the rhythm. Today her eyes were closed, she didn’t respond to my words, and when I caressed her, she fought my hand away; I stayed a while whispering loving words but with no response. This evening I re-read my Kindle highlights of an excellent book: Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope while Coping with Stress and Grief by Pauline Boss. She writes about the ambiguous loss of grief for a loved one who is both dead and alive; memories and present reality.

Laughing

Few weeks ago realized I have not laughed much recent years, so I looked at a flick our son gave us years ago that causes lots of laughs plus I enjoy it. Since then have thought how we laughed and grinned. We would play with words of commercials. We used words or songs so they caused us to grin or laugh; for example greeting, “Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly” with a leer. Even ordinary jobs we’d find a way to get a grin. Long gone. I need to find ways to laugh or get some fun out of happenings. Look for funny flicks and humor in various events.

My essential therpist

Thruout the long, painful care-giving one of my major helps has been my therapist; how she made this ordeal possible and positive. While I was aware of many of my feelings, going through a completely new experience brought feelings I’d never before faced and needed to recognize and acknowledge. I was angry at Alzheimer’s Disease, at having to take increasing responsibilities we had so long shared, make decisions for Margie that she could have no voice in, many resentments my therapist helped me find and acknowledge, as well as discuss decisions I had to make. We discussed grief, Dr. Kubler-Ross’s studies of grief, and my changing feelings through the years. I saw her as needed. She said my interacting with adults in Third Age Education was excellent therapy. Friends were often helpful, but my therapist was essential as issues came up.

Non-verbal clues

Today Margie was more alert than for months! When several yards away, she looked my way, so I gave “our”wave and she grinned. As I reached her, said “our” greeting and for first time in months wanted a kiss on the lips—just child peck. As we sat beside each other, she almost glowed, smiled, eyes dancing some. Kept looking at me. So glad my social work training made me sensitive to minimal non-verbal clues. Refreshing time with her!